Express Yourself.

Mom..

Since I was a little kid I could never talk to you about anything at all.  Every friend I have can talk to their mom about personal things, but me, I can’t.  You don’t understand me, and I don’t think you ever will.  Francesca can talk to you about anything and everything but there’s something telling me that if I tell you anything your just going to flip out.  When I do try talking to you about certain things, you just scream.  This past year has been hell for me, you and dad are divorcing.  I never thought this would happen to me out of everyone in this world but it did.  This divorce just happens to be not as common as other ones.  You and dad will never be able to look, talk. or even text each other again.  Stephanie was with me the day you called me crying saying that dad called the cops on you, and she was there for me.  She helped me and had to talk to me about it, then I went to Danny and Nikis house thinking that it would get it off my mind and they had to talk to me about it as well.  I shouldn’t know anything that I do about this divorce.  You and dad both messed up and tried to drag me onto each others sides.  Dad said that he was going to give us a better house and life, but you said don’t listen to him your going to live with me.  It felt like my arms were being pulled by you and dad.  I understand the fact that you tried keeping it civil between you guys and dad messed up by fighting with you, but you did a lot of things wrong too.  I had a friend in the car and you had your realitor on speaker talking about you and dad, the bills, mortgage, making it seem like we are broke.  I shouldn’t have any idea about that but of course I do…You explain bills to me and tell me stories that make dad seem like the bad guy.  Thats the last thing I want to hear is stuff that makes it seem like this family’s going to shit.  I like being with your side of the family because no one mentions anything about it, which is good.  My school year last year felt like I had no family and no one there for me.  Shouldn’t a daughter always feel like her mothers there for her?  I try to convince myself that you are, but I cant.  I don’t know why but that’s just how I feel.  I hope that eventually I will be able to talk to you about everything.  

Dad,

Theres so much to say to you.  Sometimes I want to scream at you, cry to you, and just talk.  It started with you constantly making mom cry on sunday mornings, I would wake up from you guys screaming and mom running up the stairs crying and telling me nothings wrong.  I was only a little kid and already I knew something was wrong, and your anger towards me, mom, daniel, and francesca, just made everything just 10times worse.  As a baby to about 7 years old I thought you were the best man alive, having my father as a firefighter, coming to my school as a hero talking about fire prevention being able to say, thats MY dad.  Knowing that when I was home at night I didnt have to worry about a thing, no one breaking into my house, a fire, or even a tornado.  You would always tell us to go in the basement when you had to go to the firehouse over night for snow duty, and I just worried the entire time you were gone.  I always talked to francesca when you left me when I was little.  Worried all the time, crying, thinking if your going to lose your life in a fire.  Then I grew up and knew how to listen.  You weren’t the person I thought you were.  I would come home from school and it was always you arguing with my brother or sister.  Of course when I grew up it started happening to me too.  When you scream at us, it scares us to death.  You have made every one of us cry even your son, whos the tough one out of all of us.  Last year, my brother starting being afraid of you and no wanting to talk to you.  We would all fight everyday and me francesca and daniel would just go upstairs into one room crying.  We knew your anger was getting out of hand.  Mom told you that she didnt love you anymore but she would still live in the same house as you and do everything she normally does just until I get out of high school.  You did not accept it.  Instead you flipped out and did some fucked up things.  You almost turned her best friend against her because you accused mom of something.  Your sister helped… But I think it was far from help. She made everything 1000 times worse then they already were.  You also put a tracking device on mom, you couldnt trust her and thats what pisses me off.  Then when your daughter was in the hospital not to long ago, you couldnt be in the same room with the mother of your child because you still didnt want to see her.  She was in the hospital and you couldnt even be together for her.  That was the one thing that hurt me the most.  We will never be as close as we were when I was little because you ruined it..